In July of this year, I somehow got to know Ilona Ciunaite (Marked, Eternal - markedeternal.blogspot.com), from Liberation Unleashed, on facebook. I do not remember how, it is one of those things which make you wonder at the perfect flow of life.
She saw where I was “spiritually”, if there is such a thing. She told me about seeing through the illusion of self, and what the implications are. That the self is nothing but a concept, a thought that is tacked on to the rest of our thoughts, sensations, emotions, what have you. I understood her intellectually, but it was just that, a vague mental understanding.
She guided me by asking me about questions that made me look inside, to see if “I” exist. At first resistance came up, I did not want to see. I have since come to realize that this is the case with most, seekers and non-seekers alike. Non-seekers are content in their lives as they are, which is fine. I guess I wasn’t, that is what made me a seeker. But even the so-called spiritual seekers often do not want to look at the truth, they want a watered-down version of the truth, something that suits their perception of what the truth should be. Which is fine too, I guess. All of it is life flowing, life as it is.
Along with the resistance, which took the shape of distractions, anger, ‘I don’t have the time to do this’ kind of stuff, came fear. Fear to face up to the truth, fear that somehow, I will not be able to continue to live and fulfill my responsibilities, fear that I’ll become robot-like, fear that I was doing something ‘wrong’. Ilona patiently helped me by asking the right questions, helping me focus. This is what is the usual way at Liberation Unleashed, a one-on-one dialogue to help others see through delusion.
When I was able to focus enough to really LOOK, I could not find myself! What a revelation! I, as a separate entity living and controlling ‘my life’ did not exist. All of our personas, our so beloved selves are nothing but a story our mind has made up. We spend so much energy maintaining our story, defending it, believing our thoughts, protecting our make-believe characters. What a sad and funny story at the same time!
Awakening to the truth was nothing I expected. It was almost a non-event, something so natural, so obvious that it seems strange afterwards why it was not seen before, and by everyone. Almost a non-event I say, but at the same time, a life-changing paradigm shift, a complete change of perspective. Opinions, thoughts, ideas, memories, sensations, emotions were seen for what they are, arisings in life, but with no ownership of them. My beliefs and mental stories were gone, or at least the majority of them. Life took on a flow, an almost magical wonder!
That is not to say that all conditioning, habits, reactions were wiped out. No. Maybe in some cases that happens, but my experience was that, after seeing through the illusion, I was still reacting at times, getting caught up in thoughts, but very quickly, within minutes, seeing them for what they were. Whereas earlier, I would be completely caught in the story, letting myself be swept along whatever emotion or thought I was identifying with.
I had believed that “I” needed to do this or do that, that I was controlling life. As if anyone could. Or rather, as if there is anyone there to control! Life, as I knew it, was gone.
More of life after this ‘seeing through’ in the next…